To Caris: When I Found Out I Was Pregnant…

Pregnant in England 2005

I was so scared. I was twenty-five years old, but I felt sixteen. I was so unsure. I was unsure about everything. I didn’t know if I was ready to have a family. I wasn’t sure if I could live and love your dad for the rest of my life. I remember staring at him, as he sat at his desk, wondering if I was ready.  I knew I loved him, but I didn’t know if that was enough. I knew I had always wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t know if I wanted to be one right then.  And I was scared to tell my parents. As silly as it seems, I didn’t want them to know I was having sex!


In love and on the Riverwalk in San Antonio, 2005


Every single possibility ran through my head. I thought about running back to the United States (I was in England when I found out I was pregnant), and never telling your father. I thought about running away and not telling anyone anything.  I didn’t know what to do.  It took me two weeks to get the nerve to tell your father.

Getting pregnant with you was the biggest surprise and the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me. I’m so thankful that I trusted your father, that I trusted myself, and just went with it.  Your dad is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine spending my life without him.  You have been the greatest gift and you have brought so much joy to our lives. I feel like we all grew up together 🙂

First came love, then came marriage, then came baby…just not in that order! 🙂

Categories: Caris Jillian Gray, For My Children

Tags: , , ,

2 replies

  1. I just discovered your blog, and have spent a good hour reading through your posts. I’m 23, and have always wanted children, yet now that I’m married and am “allowed” to have children (according to my mom), I immediately start to feel anxious. A part of me wants to wait until I’m 30. But even then, I think that my feelings most likely won’t change. A part of me is terrified to be a mom.

    So…thank you. Thank you for your beautiful words, and for the encouragement that it really is worth it.


    • that is so sweet. my advice, for whatever it’s worth…wait! have fun. drink too much with your girlfriends and come home to your husband and have lots of fun with him too! 😉 kids are A LOT of work. totally worth it, but once you’re a mom, you can’t go back. lol and I mean that in the nicest way. lol


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