Do I work tomorrow? I need to check my schedule. Yes, I work. I guess I should go to bed, it’s 11pm and 5:30 comes early. I wonder if my scrubs are clean. Nope. Do I stay up and wash my favorite pair, smell them to see how dirty they are, or Febreeze them and keep watching The Good Wife? Urghhh. I’ll just wear the pair that’s a little snug. I don’t think the seam in the back of the pants is coming apart yet and no one can tell that the fabric on the inside of the thighs is worn. I need to lose weight. I should work out right now. That elliptical is just sitting there. If I could lose weight just by running in my head, I’d be a size 2 right now. I’ll buy new scrubs, maybe a size bigger, on my next day off. Right now, I’m going to focus on The Good Wife. That’s what I’m going to be from now on…a good wife. And a good mother. I’m going to wake up extra early tomorrow and write a little love note to my daughter. And maybe to my husband. And I’ll leave food in the crock pot so that my family will actually get to eat at a normal hour. Oh my God, there’s a full moon. I better get to bed. This episode will have to wait.
OMG I slept through my alarm. It’s 6am. Didn’t I just fall asleep? I have to hurry. Forget the crock pot. I’ll pick something up for dinner on my way home (again). And I’ll just text a sweet note to my daughter to my husband’s phone and he can just let her read it. I hope night shift has made a fresh pot of coffee. Maybe one of the physician’s brought us breakfast. I wonder how many people are on the floor. I wonder how many laboring patients we have. I hope it’s a 1:1 kind of day. I wonder who is working. Man, I love the weekends. No managers, only one physician…I hope it’s qui—- I better not even think the word.
I’m so excited. I got this. I’m going to be a baby-delivery machine today. I’m going to chart every single thing I do and I’m totally going to chart in the room. These elevators are so slow. I can’t clock in even 1 minute late or I’ll get docked 15 minutes. That has to be an OB urban legend. I’ll probably get out an hour late, so doesn’t it all even out?!? Maybe I should just take the stairs. I know I need to lose weight. Nah, I’m still tired, I’ll just wait. I’m so glad no one else is waiting for this elevator, I don’t have time to stop on every floor. I better stand near the back so I can just pretend to try to hold the elevator open in case someone tries to swoop on in at the last-minute. That’s so hateful. I’m totally getting like 15 patients for that comment. I better stand near the front and lose an arm trying to keep the door open if someone runs up. That’s what I’ll do. In fact, let me hold it open for a few seconds just in case someone comes around the corner…
There are four strips pulled up in the break room. How many labor nurses have I seen….one, two, three. Not bad! I hope I don’t get the patient in room 101. Her strip looks like a pancake. Was that a late? I’m not clocked in yet, I’m not going to look at it. Well, let me just pull it up really quick to see what it looked like before I got here. Oh good, it wasn’t a late. And the strip looked better 10 minutes ago. But it’s still flat. It’s a little iffy. I hope she’s just been Stadol-ed or at least turned to a lateral position. I hope I get a primip who is being cervadiled or a multip who is in active labor. Or a primip in active labor. Or anyone in active labor! You know, I just want someone who is pregnant. I totally don’t want to work mother-baby today. I feel like being a labor and delivery goddess. I’m pumped up. Just give me someone who is pregnant, in active labor, with a good strip.
Whoop-whoop. I did not get the patient in room 101. But yes, she had just been Stadol-ed and yes, she’s in a lateral position. But I’m still glad that patient isn’t mine. I’ll still keep my eye on that one. Just in case. Thank God that girl has a good nurse. What’s going on with my patient. Hmmm G1P0. Fingertip/thick/high. Being induced for postdates, 42.1. God bless her. She tried to give her body time to go into active labor all on its own. She should get an award. I’ve got my work cut out for me. If I get her delivered before my shift is up I should get an award. I’ll let her rest until I eat breakfast and then I’m going to encourage her to get out of that bed. I hope it’s not a 12 pound baby. I hope it’s not thick mec. I hope she doesn’t have a secretly scarred cervix she’s not telling anyone about. I’ll find out more when I check her myself.
Ohhh not bad. Not bad at all. She’s soft and anterior. There’s hope! I’ll get her moving. Lets get out of bed…yes, you can do it. Before you got to the hospital, you were walking around. Trust me. I’ve had this same conversation a million times before. Just because we put that ID band on you doesn’t mean you can’t move. Yes, it does feel better in the rocking chair than in the bed! I’m like a psychic. I should charge money. Oh wait, I get paid pretty well.
Here comes another patient presenting to triage. She’ll be a keeper. She can barely keep her bottom on the wheelchair. She’s doing that half-sit, half-wobble thing dance. I’ll laugh at myself if she’s closed. I hope she’s term. She looks term. That’s no 30 week belly. Complete! +3! She’s about to have her baby on the triage floor. That labor nurse is grabbing an NTN, that labor nurse is grabbing an IV start kit and postpartum Pit, and I’ll grab some gloves and tell her to breathe. I hope the unit clerk called a physician. We don’t have time for a start kit. I hope someone brought an IM needle. Oh no, she’s grunting. Blow it out! Like a candle! Like a candle! Too late, there’s the baby. And it’s bald! I haven’t seen one of those in a while. I hope the physician makes it here for the placenta.
There goes room 101 again. Definite lates. Is the nurse in there? Yes. That nurse is always on top of it. Uh oh. My baby is crashing. God, I hope there’s been a miracle and she’s complete. Let me do a gentle vag exam while she’s on all fours. Oh no. I’m not supposed to feel anything pulsating. This prolapsed cord has bought me and my patient a ticket to the OR. There’s no repositioning my way out of this one. And now my hand has to stay in here. Oh well, at least I got the easy job. My hand just has to stay in her vagina as we roll to the OR and I get to watch everyone else scramble. I wish I’d done a perineal wash 2 seconds before her room flooded with nurses. I swear it didn’t look like this 10 minutes ago. I hope everyone remembers she just SROMed. She feels kind of hot in here. When was the last time I took a temp? Is that amniotic fluid soaking through my bra? I hope it’s amniotic fluid and not urine. Oh, she SROMed thick mec. I guess it doesn’t matter which one it is… I need to pat the patient’s leg to reassure her that everything will be okay. God, I hope this baby is okay. Man, I don’t get paid enough for this.
So thankful for teamwork and a doctor that can get a baby out lickity-split. Damn, I missed lunch. I have so much charting to do. Oh look, the patient in room 101 had a SVD with 9/9 apgars while I was in the OR. Oh well, I got 8/9 apgars with a prolapse, so I guess everyone’s a winner! Oh no, was I supposed to be recovering that precipitous delivery that happened in triage?!? I was the last one out of the room… Hopefully the charge nurse is all over that. What will I pick up for dinner tonight? I’m too tired to eat. I’m too tired to stop and pick up food. How can I skip so many meals at work and still not be skinny? Why does my doctor say that working is not the same as working out? It feels like I’ve worked out. I wonder if my husband will divorce me if I order pizza one more night this week. Did I remember to send my love note text to my husband’s phone for my daughter to read? Man, I hope the kids are fed and bathed when I get home. I don’t care if my daughter hasn’t washed her hair in a week, I’m too tired to wash her hair tonight. Will she need therapy when she’s older? I better just wash her hair. I’m so glad to be home. Maybe I’ll finish watching that episode of The Good Wife. Whoops, I forgot to check the schedule to see I work tomorrow. I hope someone washed my favorite scrubs.
Until my next delivery ❤