1. You can eat whatever you want without feeling guilty.
😦 If you eat everything you want, you’ll gain a lot of weight and you might end up with gestational diabetes, or a LGA baby (otherwise known as a big fat baby).
2. Sometimes every sensation is a little heightened…if you get my drift 😉
😦 Sometimes you don’t want to be touched at all. In fact, stand far far away. You might as well sleep in another room.
3. People totally think it’s cute when a pregnant person says they have to go to the bathroom. No more standing in long lines waiting to use a public bathroom!
😦 You will pee on yourself. Sometimes just a little bit. Sometimes when you laugh, sometimes when you sneeze, sometimes when you just try to get up from a sitting position Towards the end of your pregnancy, you may even try to smell it to make sure your water didn’t break
4. You don’t have a period for 9 whole months!
😦 But everything other than your vagina is bleeding. You might be getting nose bleeds and your gums might bleed when you brush your teeth. Oh, and you might not get a period for 9 months, but you will bleed for up to 6 weeks after delivery to make up for it.
5. Your nipples are sooooooo sensitive. This can sometimes be a good thing (refer to #2).
😦 You start producing colostrum early in your pregnancy, which will sometimes start leaking out of your nipples. Want a mood-buster? …Let your hunny find this out the hard way…
6. Prenatal vitamins for 9 whole months is like a magic pill. Your hair is longer and thicker! And your nails are so long!
😦 Prenatal vitamins can also make you constipated.
7. During your second trimester, you literally glow! And you don’t just look like you’ve put on a few extra pounds over the holiday, you actually look pregnant. And cute-pregnant!
😦 The second trimester is like a reward for getting through the first one. During the first trimester, people don’t know if you’re pregnant or if your jeans are just fitting a little more snug. Prolonged bouts of nausea makes you wish you’d just throw-up already and get it over with. But then when you do actually throw-up, you can’t make it stop and then you’re just in a state of nausea again. It’s a vicious cycle.
8. When you feel your baby move inside of you, it’s like magic. There’s literally this little baby inside of you romping around in there.
😦 After a while, that baby gets bigger and starts to press on body parts that want to be left alone. Your bladder may take a beating (refer to #3). The baby may press so hard on your diaphragm that it becomes difficult to breathe or eat a big spicy meal.
9. Everyone can get away wearing flats when they’re pregnant!
😦 Uhhh but you might be wearing them because your feet are two times their normal size. Sandals might be the only thing you can wedge your feet into. Your nose might be spreading, your hands might be puffy, and your feet might be swollen with so much extra fluid…but you’re still peeing all the time. WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM?!?
10. You use every single kind of cream you can think of, and you’ve managed to not get a single stretch mark!
😦 ….Until the last 2 weeks of your pregnancy. And then they all popped up out of nowhere, like taaaaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaa, red and in-your-face-angry.