Lies From a Labor and Delivery Nurse

lies 2

You’re 9cm. Ok, you might really be complete and +1. But trust me, five minutes of pushing feels like an hour and I’m really doing both of us a favor.  Labor down!

No, you aren’t pooping when you push. We’re just trying not to talk. Or breathe. But rest assured, we’ll clean it up as quick as we can, because we know that other people in the room may not have a poker face as good as ours 🙂 And if  you do realize you’re pooping, we’ll pull out that old preschool saying and tell you that everyone poops.  But that. is. also. a. lie :/

That’s a big baby for you. Really, you may have just been a bad pusher 😦 Don’t feel bad, sometimes those epidurals can numb everything right up.

Yes, that was a big contraction. Trust me sister, if you’re talking about how ‘big’ the contraction is, it wasn’t that big. Wait until you want to punch someone in the face for looking at you the wrong way. And p.s., external monitors can’t tell us how “strong” your contractions are, they just basically tell us when you’re having one.  We can only really tell how hard your contractions are by putting our hands on your belly.

I never miss an IV. Uhhh, I miss IVs all the time. I’m pretty good, but sometimes veins roll, sometimes they’re flat, sometimes they’re deep, and sometimes I just miss. Sometimes you barely touch them with the IV catheter and they blow. All I know is, I will find a way to make it not my fault…Ohhh, you’re veins are so tiny. Are you a smoker? Do you drink enough water? I told you not to move :/

You are my only patient. If we’re taking care of you, we’re also taking care of your baby, and they count as a patient too. On top of that, labor nurses have to “watch” everyone else’s patients. All the time. Because if any baby crashes, everyone has to be prepared to help out —minutes matter.

We’re wearing this mask when you get an epidural because we want to minimize the risk of you getting an infection. Really, your breath just stinks :/ Most places don’t make us wear a mask if we’re standing in front of you and not behind you, where all the action is happening.  One word: halitosis. Not everyone has stinky breath, but usually that’s the last thing on your mind when you’ve been laboring all night. I get it! I’m just still going to wear my mask.

We’re doing a perineal wash with Hibiclens when you’re admitted because that’s just what we do.  Or we may not be able to handle the smell 😦 On a better note, we will not remember what your vagina looked like/smelled like/felt like 5 seconds after walking out of your room. Guaranteed.

No, I don’t think it’s weird that you want your brother or dad in your room when you deliver.  To each their own…but seriously, this is a little strange.  And by the way, they never stay at the head of the bed…

You have my favorite provider. You might have our favorite provider, but you might have one that we think is a complete prick. We’ll still tell you they’re our favorite provider because they’re your provider. But as your labor nurse, regardless if we like your provider or not, we will fight for anything that we think is right for you

I love your baby’s name. In my head, I’m screaming WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!? In fact, if I really don’t like your baby’s name, I’ll literally try to say it 100 times before you deliver, hoping that you’ll hear it and realize how crazy it sounds.

Press the call-light if you need anything. What we really mean to say is, press the call-light if you need anything important. And if you need anything that anyone else in your room can help you with, ask them first.  I’m just saying there are ten people in your room that can get you more ice.  Just throwing that out there.

I’m not sick, it’s just allergies.  Ok, I might be sick. All I know is, I’m not dying and I don’t have a fever greater than 101. I just don’t want to leave my coworkers in a bind. And I don’t have any more PTO. And if I call in one more time I might get fired…

I can’t stay to deliver you because I have to pick up my daughter from her babysitter. What I really mean to say is that if I come home late from work one more day this week, my husband might divorce me and my daughter may stop calling me mom. But I do wish I could be there for your delivery.  Just not that bad :/

There’s no more pain after you deliver the baby.  This is something we say to give you a little extra urge to push when it counts the most.  And although it’s true that the pain you will have after you deliver a baby vaginally is nothing compared to the pain you feel when you are actually trying to push that baby out, it’s still a baby, coming out of your vagina. It’s going to be a little sore! But again, it will be nothing like it was when you were actually pushing.  And don’t get me started on cesarean deliveries…

I talk to your provider all day long.  Okay, we called them when you got here, and we’ll call them again when your baby is crowning. If I had to call them at any other time between those two events, it was to report something that wasn’t going too well.

It’s okay that you screamed at us/tried to hit us/acted like a complete psycho during labor.  We were really gritting our teeth while we tried to calm down the crazy, and depending on your level of craziness, we may have even talked about you in the lounge. But trust me, you weren’t the first and you will not be the last, so don’t sweat it (we don’t!).  And, it gives us all something to laugh about ❤

Until my next delivery ❤

p.s. Labor nurses

Warnings for Working Moms

 



Categories: For Nurses..., Nursing Humor, Random

Tags: , , , , ,

183 replies

  1. Those of you that take offense to this, C’mon! Seriously! I would much rather my Nurse lie and wear a mask, Thank you for letting me hang on your Shoulders while you rub my arms telling me everything is going Great, while getting my Epidural, then you saying “Good Grief, your Breath Stinks!” Those of you that think it’s Rude for these Nurses to Lie, that’s ridiculous! Thank you to the Nurses that don’t say “Nasty, you pooped!, but instead would laugh with Me and say, GREAT you are making Progress!” Hello, it’s called being sensitive!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I was clueless going into labor with our one & only child but our nurses were seriously amazing, I loved every one and was really sad at each shift change & sad to leave them at the end & never see them again! I am pretty sure I pooped bc in my complete agony I thought I saw them seeming to clean something up like I had, but at that point I really couldn’t have cared less and I had no desire to know or ask anyone if I really did lol. All I could think about was the Pain! My water broke at 8 AM & DD was born after 8 PM, I hadn’t had breakfast and so hadn’t eaten all day long and was so hungry by the end, so one of my nurses spoon fed me some jello, I didn’t know I could even have that so I was soooo happy! I took a long shower before going to the hospital and just kept washing & washing bc I didn’t realize that the “water” keeps replenishing so there was just more & more goo ugh, I do not remember being “wiped” or cleaned down there at the hospital. I remember at one point I went to the bathroom & a bunch of the fluid slime got on my flip flop when I stood up lol I had no idea it would be like that. Yes labor nurses put up with a lot and probably most do a great job, they know that women in labor have pretty much no sense of manners, modesty, or hygiene in that moment, just because some patients poop or have bad breath it doesn’t mean they like you any less!

    I am a social worker on a psych floor and this happens there too, different topics obviously. As long as these conversations are not taking place where ANY patients or families can hear, I do not find it unprofessional. And to some concerns out there, I honestly do not think ANYONE who is truly compassionate is laughing at your loved one baby or otherwise who passes away, that is something totally different. We have lost a former pt to suicide and it is devastating to all of us, we certainly don’t laugh about it but try to figure out what we could have done differently. Of those I work with, I would say about 90% at least truly care about the patients, want the best for them and treat them with dignity and respect, and go above and beyond for them, regardless of any “joking” around done in private. As in any field, there are always going to be those whose heart just isn’t in it or just aren’t professional.

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    • Girl I feel ya! I stood up to rock back and forth to encourage my little one to labor and my stepmom was standing next to me dutifully wiping blood of my legs and the floor because I was in tears that I was bleeding everywhere. Labor and delivery nurses are amazing.

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  3. Yikes is that why I had such bad back labor?! I don’t know why they started me on pitocin or anything since I went into labor & water broke naturally, they made it seem like it was just the thing to do normally. Luckily they were super nice & didn’t “bark” at me :/

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  4. When they bring your comatose infant son back to you after his excruciatingly painful and completely unnecessary circumcision and say he slept right through it. They of course mean that he screamed and vomited and then went into shock. But they can’t tell you the truth because the OB needs to make another boat payment and if you found out what actually happened that OB might lose future business.

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    • You didn’t have to get him a circumcision…and I have seen them first hand and the baby never cried or vomited.

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    • TJ, ever hear of informed consent? When I go to the mom’s room to take her son for the circumcision and she says to me, “Oh the mean nurse is going to hurt you!” I say to her in my sweetest voice,”Oh I thought you had signed for him to have this procedure. We will cancel it right now. I’m so sorry for the mixup.” That usually shuts them right down. At my facility the babies receive local analgesia and sweet ease. Don’t pick on the nurses….we don’t sign the consent.

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    • Vomiting and shock? Never once have seen this as an OB nurse who has to assist with circumcision procedures most days I work. 90% of the babies I care for during the procedure DO sleep through it! Pretty much the only time they might cry for the briefest second is when the needle is inserted for the lidocaine block, and when the cold gauze is used to wipe off betadine! Seriously, babies cry for longer and harder when I’m changing a diaper than when thwy are getting circumcised. Lidocaine, sweet ease a pacifier and a little head rubbing, and my patients sleep right through it. While I don’t think I would choose circumcision for my son, babies aren’t being tortured and put into shock from the procedure on the regular. If they are, then something has gone terribly wrong!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been a nursery/labor and delivery nurse for 6 years and never once seen one go into “shock” from a circumcision. Perhaps you should have read the informed consent you signed. Circs are not without pain (btw, the consent form states this fact) and babies often sleep deeper for many hours after their circ because that’s how newborns handle pain, excess stimuli, stress etc. During the procedure everything is done to keep the baby as comfortable as possible in my facility but moms are never ever pushed or even encouraged to have he procedure done. As a mother you have to decide what’s best for your child.

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    • No one circumcised your kid unless you requested it and signed a consent for it. Most Dr’s I work with wish they didn’t have to do them at all. Yes, it hurts. No, they don’t go in to shock or become comatose. No, your kid probably doesn’t NEED one. If you have it done, don’t blame the Dr or nurse if you feel guilty.

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    • OMG, an OB doing a circumcision? Where do you live that an OB ever touches a baby once they deliver them? That is so not their job, it’s a pediatricians job. And why the hell would you even send him to have part of his body unnecessarily chopped off? You expect someone to be all happy and awake after you tell someone to chop part of his penis off? You had to know it would hurt but obviously didn’t care.

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    • OMG, an OB doing a circumcision? Where do you live that an OB ever touches a baby once they deliver them? That is so not their job, it’s a pediatricians job. And why the hell would you even send him to have part of his body unnecessarily chopped off? You expect someone to be all happy and awake after you tell someone to chop part of his penis off? You had to know it would hurt but obviously didn’t care.

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  5. Why would you write this? To make moms self conscious of their smell, choices, or behaviour during one of the most vulnerable & profound time in their lives? To make yourself seem like a hero? I don’t get it. Sorry.

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  6. I love this! Thank you for putting up with all of our craziness!! No we probably don’t realize we smell, like you do, nor did we realize we didn’t brush our teeth as well as we could have, being as the pain is so horrible at times! Never had anything but positive things to say for my nurses and I had 2 emergency c sections and 1 planned!! So let me say thank you, even from the ones who had negative comments! Because without nurses like you, we wouldn’t have help in our time of need!! Kudos to you all!!!

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  7. I am a labor and delivery nurse too. I in fact have used quite a few of those. The one I use more frequently is well your still 9, when actually they are complete. I am a fan of laboring down. The less pushing, the less repair and that means the least amount of time I have to stand and hold a leg with no feeling, and twist my body into a pretzel to help with pushing. Which can result in exhaustion and not to mention back pain, severe back pain. It is about the nurses too.

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  8. I was young when I had my only child and TOTALLY CLUELESS. I didn’t even realize I was in labor when I was in labor. And I had a real hard ass as my L&D nurse, who I adored through the entire process. I remember saying “I’ve only seen this on TV and I know it’s not the same, so you tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Which is basically what I tell every professional (even my wedding florists/caterers/etc.)

    My labor lasted 3 hours. I was in hard labor for 15 minutes. That nurse was my hero. I did everything she told me and it just flew by like we were both pros.

    So, thank you, L&D nurses. The softies, the hard asses, the in betweens. Y’all are amazing.

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