This is only the beginning. I could write a book on all of the crazy things said in labor and delivery!
Put in an extra stitch. – From a father talking to a provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, ‘cause that didn’t make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I’ve rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn’t even help it…I asked the father “how small does the doctor need to make it?” There went my patient satisfaction…
If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? – From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? …or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!
The doctor called me a loose whore – From an angry patient, who thought her doctor was being judgemental after a vaginal exam. This is just a wild guess, but something tells me he called you a loose four.
I’m the only one that gets to suck on those. – From a father who wouldn’t let his wife breastfeed. This was the only time I’ve ever wanted to hit someone in the head 😦
Poop all over the baby – From a provider trying to convince a woman to push “like she’s pooping.” Yeah, that thought running around in my head is really going to make me push harder. Take a hint from the labor nurse doc, we say “push like you’ve got to go to the bathroom…”
There’s plenty of room in here. – From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say “it’ll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!”
Right now you have a vaginus. – From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that’s not confusing or frightening at all…
Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. – From a grandmother looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the “worst” for the dad. This was the “best” for everyone else in the room 🙂 Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing. The dad turned every shade of red.
My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. – From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI – don’t try this at home
You smell like your momma’s stinky kooch – From a grandmother, talking to her daughter’s newly delivered baby.
Grandpa, you can take pictures now – From a nursery nurse, talking to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was the woman’s husband, not her dad
Until my next delivery ❤