The Worst Things I’ve Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery

This is only the beginning. I could write a book on all of the crazy things said in labor and delivery!

Put in an extra stitch. – From a father talking to a provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, ‘cause that didn’t make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I’ve rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn’t even help it…I asked the father “how small does the doctor need to make it?” There went my patient satisfaction…

If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? – From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? …or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!

The doctor called me a loose whore –  From an angry patient, who thought her doctor was being judgemental after a vaginal exam.  This is just a wild guess, but something tells me he called you a loose four. 

I’m the only one that gets to suck on those. – From a father who wouldn’t let his wife breastfeed. This was the only time I’ve ever wanted to hit someone in the head 😦

Poop all over the baby – From a provider trying to convince a woman to push “like she’s pooping.” Yeah, that thought running around in my head is really going to make me push harder.  Take a hint from the labor nurse doc, we say “push like you’ve got to go to the bathroom…”

There’s plenty of room in here. – From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say “it’ll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!”

Right now you have a vaginus. – From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that’s not confusing or frightening at all…

Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. – From a grandmother looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the “worst” for the dad. This was the “best” for everyone else in the room 🙂 Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing.  The dad turned every shade of red.

My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. – From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI – don’t try this at home

You smell like your momma’s stinky kooch – From a grandmother, talking to her daughter’s newly delivered baby.

Grandpa, you can take pictures now – From a nursery nurse, talking to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was the woman’s husband, not her dad

Until my next delivery ❤

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Categories: Random

Tags: babies, baby, delivery, labor, labor and delivery, mom, mother, nurse, nursing, OB, obstetrics, pregnancy, woman